My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
