just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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