His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
