My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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