RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
