Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If its not for food we ain't going out.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
