It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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