I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
