Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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