My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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