if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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