So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
