So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
