we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
