I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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