my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
