well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sober January is a disaster.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
