We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
