May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
