He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
