Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
