god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
