I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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