I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
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who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize