I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
