i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
