If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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