I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I would ride that face into the sunset
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
