I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
