she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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