Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
