this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
