apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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