I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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