hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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