mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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