Your mouth is God's brothel.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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