I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
