If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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