he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
