Small penises have feelings too.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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