she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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