Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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