dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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