She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just want nice things and good sex
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"