Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
