Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
