I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
