everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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