two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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