I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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