Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize