Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
