I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
